[ Like a keyword unlocking a cipher, Griffon finally horks up the details of the conversation into V's thoughts, remembering the talk in the girl's room that V had slept through. Ah, that's what it was. ]
Don't do anything drastic, Hakuno.
[ Well, there you are. The plan is already working. ]
I can't make you care about yourself on your own, V.
[She wishes it wasn't even something she had to consider.]
But, that feeling you have right now? That dread, that helplessness, at the thought of me hurting myself? That's what happens to me, every time you grind yourself down.
[ He gets up to come over to her side of the table, kneeling down next to her chair. ]
You want me to care about myself, and I want you to be at ease with yourself.
[ Something that also can't be forced. ]
Listen. I know it's been too much, but not everything I do wears me down without reward. I like the tutoring, I like reading to the children, and there are people I see and talk to with no other agenda aside from their company. We're both still learning everything that everyone else takes for granted. Don't lose faith so soon, we've still only just started.
...every time I lost somebody in that place, it was—right in front of me. It was cruel but—I didn't realize how scary it was, to have that happen somewhere I wasn't looking.
[The words come out halting, fumbling, as if she's unsure about the shape they're taking. She doesn't know if she's making herself clear.
She leans into his hand, with a soft, shuddering sigh.]
Something ate part of you, and I could have just... slept through it, if it had eaten too much, V. What do I do with that?
[It had sounded so easy, rattling off the options to Griffon, in bed.
But, Griffon's affable agreement that night had probably sprouted in part from the fact that everyone in this house knew she probably wouldn't have the heart to actually go through with it. Even if her body bore the cost, V would still be hurt, after all.
Hurting him is the opposite of what she wants.]
I don't what to do, V. But I'm—I'm supposed to. That's our thing.
[ Constantin's words come back to him I would surely come apart at the seams from the effort, much as I would endeavor to carry us both. I'm afraid you will have to help. ]
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[ So go ahead and lay it out for him. ]
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[Sip.]
So, moving forward, we'll most likely be making this about my quality of living.
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And what is that going to entail?
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[She begins serving up her own helping of the breakfast.]
To put it bluntly, I'm taking myself hostage.
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Don't do anything drastic, Hakuno.
[ Well, there you are. The plan is already working. ]
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[She smiles finally, bright and soft.]
Ah, but don't worry. I won't go any further than you, really. 'It's fine for now as long as I don't die,' I'm sure you've thought once or twice?
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This world is broken and dangerous.
[ Sometimes death comes creeping. ]
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[She takes another bite. Another sip.
Looks him dead in the eye.]
How much do you think I care about you?
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Don't threaten me with your care, Hakuno. That's not what I want for either of us.
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[She wishes it wasn't even something she had to consider.]
But, that feeling you have right now? That dread, that helplessness, at the thought of me hurting myself? That's what happens to me, every time you grind yourself down.
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[ That's a statement all its own, it has a stern note. ]
Are you this afraid of being alone, Hakuno?
[ But the followup is softer. ]
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[So, yes.]
Please, do not be on that list. Please.
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You want me to care about myself, and I want you to be at ease with yourself.
[ Something that also can't be forced. ]
Listen. I know it's been too much, but not everything I do wears me down without reward. I like the tutoring, I like reading to the children, and there are people I see and talk to with no other agenda aside from their company. We're both still learning everything that everyone else takes for granted. Don't lose faith so soon, we've still only just started.
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...I'm scared I won't get to say goodbye to you either, V.
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Why? Won't I already know everything you'd want to tell me?
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[The words come out halting, fumbling, as if she's unsure about the shape they're taking. She doesn't know if she's making herself clear.
She leans into his hand, with a soft, shuddering sigh.]
Something ate part of you, and I could have just... slept through it, if it had eaten too much, V. What do I do with that?
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[ He sounds surprised, but he also doesn't pursue it past that. What kind of creature isn't really the point. ]
I'm not too proud to run away from a monster I can't handle.
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[They both know when to cut and run, really.]
Can't I at least protect you from you? ...shouldn't I, if I can?
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[ Being manipulated. ]
You know me.
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[It had sounded so easy, rattling off the options to Griffon, in bed.
But, Griffon's affable agreement that night had probably sprouted in part from the fact that everyone in this house knew she probably wouldn't have the heart to actually go through with it. Even if her body bore the cost, V would still be hurt, after all.
Hurting him is the opposite of what she wants.]
I don't what to do, V. But I'm—I'm supposed to. That's our thing.
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[ Constantin's words come back to him I would surely come apart at the seams from the effort, much as I would endeavor to carry us both. I'm afraid you will have to help. ]
It's been too one-sided, I'm sorry.
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[Her shoulders slump, slightly.]
I've relied on so many people to get this far... I wanted to be reliable for you, too.
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[ He wants to be reliable too. ]
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[Finally, she peeks up.]
You really mean it, this time?
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It's not going to be... perfect.
[ Because they are broken and dangerous in a world that wants to challenge them. ]
Ever.
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